my contemplations: "shatterred"

my contemplations: "shatterred": in control of my emotions... smiles that were not lies... laughters that only meant joy... actions that means everything... words that come ...

"shatterred"

in control of my emotions...

smiles that were not lies...

laughters that only meant joy...

actions that means everything...

words that come from the heart...

this was the girl before you came...

you gave me feelings that no one did,

feelings that i thought i would never feel,

it gave the word love a new meaning...

a word that felt forever...

you set my body into adrenaline rush...

my smiles became yours,

a smile of mixed emotions i could not define...

laughter that only you could only hear,

laughter that means a lot of things...

actions that became vague for everyone,

vague enough to distraught even me...

words that can mean the other,

words that will satisfy your ears...

this was the girl you left hanging on a cliff...

how can you say the words i love you

if you don't really mean it?

how can you say the words take care

if you don't really care?

how can you say forever

if you have already left?

how can you say that you'll always be here

if you were never there?

you're so ironic i can't even tell what is...

everything that was clear before now is a blur

i'm not the girl i used to be...

maybe good...or worse...

i don't know what changed or who changed...

nothing's really the same now...

everything changed when you came...

i lost myself in the process of loving you...

i lost my sense of self-importance,

and turned into someone pathetic,

someone i used to hate...

but now as i see my reflection,

i can see this pitiful site...

watery-eyed, pathetic little girl

who used to be on top of everything...

clothed with the best brands,

but deep inside bleeding endlessly...

no gauze nor plaster can hide the ugliness of the wounds...

no drugs or alcohol to ease up the pain...

no doctor to cure  wounded soul...

maybe not even death is a choice for escape...

shattered dreams and broken soul,

this is what i have become...

your voice, your kiss, your skin, your words,

still lingers in every part of me...

and as you left this girl hanging,

you've handed this jagged piece of knife...

you never said goodbye,

but your actions told me so...

and it's enough to slice open this piece of meat

i once gave to you...

Arising _2:07am_71111_

It’s been a while, and much have changed...

I can’t even remember what the feeling was before...

The flame had gone, only bits of it remain...

Confused and wondering, that is where I am now...

So many questions linger in my thoughts...

Every night it haunts me, floating somewhere,

Something lingers at the shadows of my glee...

I thought i could be contented, but am not...anymore...

Some things are meant to be left alone,

But most of the time, those things misunderstood...

Should I? Or should I not?

For whom, and to whom?

I’m not certain at anything at this point...

Regret has no place in my soul right now,

I stand to what I said and did...

But now i’m a bit shaken with things...

Must I be this troubled

After all the uncertainties that I surpassed?

Cowardice has no room in my being,

But why have I got the feeling of giving up?

So much for honesty,

So much for bravery...

My ears were shut tight,

But now unplugged...

How did I come to this?

What happened with warmth?

Why did something as sure as this,

Come to an abrupt end?

Teary eyed, staring at my reflection,

Had been another scene,

I would have escaped like a lioness...

Greedy of freedom and dominion...

A beast has returned from the grave...

A player who played with deceit...

Confused with the role...

Trapped in a den of lies...

Happy yet, unfulfilled...

Still searching for fulfilment...

Nothing seems right for now...

Lost in wilderness and bewilderment...

How can someone see white?

When all is black in one’s eyes...

How can someone hear music,

When all there is,

is screaming echoes of what should have been...

mind,

body,

soul,

spirit,

heart,

everything’s tired of the cold...

numb,

cold,

deserted,

abandoned...

feelings that i could not fathom...

but then all came in a rush...

unheard thoughts_41011

For so long, I’ve been holding a feeling;

A feeling that no one has ever noticed before.

Sometimes you just have to put on a mask

To hide the pain, the sadness, the uncertainties...

It’s not the things they say against me that I fear,

But the fact that no one understands me

Makes me question my own judgment.

After years of my lone quest,

I thought I already found that one person,

That one man who could understand everything.

But now I know it’s too soon to tell.

It’s hard when someone

Let you believe in things that can never be true.

But all you did is listen to all the lies,

Hoping that one day it can come true.

Love can make you irrational,

It can turn you from a wise spokesperson

To a dumb old believer...

Sometimes, it’s not the love that keeps you burning,

But the desire to be always together...

"the karma"

Last year, I thought I have done the most stupid mistake of being in a commitment in a rush... I planned on using a person to forget someone... I thought I could learn to love him and unlove the person who broke my heart... but then I was wrong.

 It's just a typical love story. We have known each other for ages now, but never really liked each other. There's this link that connects us. We live in the same place but grew separately; I, in the urbans and him, in the rurals. Things were running smoothly for me...boring actually. I was succumbed in the idea of reaching for my goals. Studies, exams, family, friends...there was no room for personal life back then. All I ever knew was for me to be the strongest and firmest woman my family could have. I could not afford to be the weakling, to be the fragile little girl everyone thinks.

Sometimes, it really pisses me off when I can't handle a situation. And because of this, my dark side would just come out and turn everything into chaos. Traces of red spots would be seen on the floor and on the covers, walls with red tinged mark, and everything so nefarious...And then he came.

The feeling was so captivating that I didn't even bother to stop and think for a while. I was so sure of him that I didn't think about what others might think. Everything's so confusing, but one thing is clear... I love him. It was not easy to be with him, because every one is against us. And with all these hassles, having different priorities complicates things even more. But I held on and patiently waited for the time that we could face things together. I tried to understand, I tried to be always on his back to support him. I did everything I could to hold on. But my hands got tired... and so did my heart. Then, that one thing that kept me holding on for so long is starting to fade. I don't know what went wrong, or what made us drift apart...

Then someone came and made me forget the confusions and doubts. Everyone thought of him as "my good aura". Every time he's around, I feel light and nice. And I thought I could "use" him to forget my past...I tried to befriend him and to get close with him. I thought I could learn to unlove someone by loving another. But I was so damn wrong! I felt so stupid being in a relationship I didn't even wanted from the start. And so before the feelings get too deep for him, I broke up without any clear reason why.

After all the mess, after all the wrong moves... I tried to clear my head, and realized I still and really am in love with the one I loved from the start. We straightened things out, and we got back together.

For months I've been feeling guilty because of my stupid move to use someone. Guilty of being unfair and being so inconsiderate. But then again, the tables turned... guess what... the one I "used" was already married before we even met. And the hardest part to accept is that, the girl was already pregnant the time we were together.

Lucky for me?

Or is it just what they call KARMA?!