Two years have passed since the
first day I stepped in that entrance door, unknowing of what the future will
unfold. I have nothing especially packed for this journey, but my courage and
faith that whatever happens will be for the will of God.
Unfamiliar faces, an unfamiliar
place with its unfamiliar people and unfamiliar ways. All of these
unfamiliarity makes me feel alien, makes me feel nauseous of the world. I have
been too much locked up in my safe haven; I never imagined how it is to live in
the real world. At first, it was so cruel, a living nightmare that I cannot
wake up from. All the pain, the depression and loneliness lead to self-pity-
nearing to giving up. But then as I feel like I’m in the wrong place, at the
wrong time, with the wrong people… God will send those people who will make you
think otherwise. It’s my yin and yang that came to life, where in every bad
there is good. A blessing from God amidst the turmoil; a reminder that though I
am thousands of miles away from home, I was never forgotten, never abandoned.
And I thank them all for seeing who and what I am, not based on judgment but
beyond what their eyes can see.
It’s the irony of life where you
can learn the life lessons after the tempest, a never ending cycle of love and
hate, hate and love… you never really know what is in store for you. That is
the greatest fear of being alone, being vulnerable and isolated. The fear that
you have no one to run to, no one to trust. Just like a lone man in a desert,
continuing his arduous journey. Having only faith in his heart that he can make
it out alive despite the atrocities of the world.
But with the right people beside
me, I’ve made it this far. They were my angels, guiding me until the end. And
yet again, it would be such hypocrisy not to admit that those who’ve made me
experience the unimaginable, they too helped me grow and refine who I am as a
person. Without my yin and yang surrounding me, I would have never discovered
my true strength and resiliency as a person… as a woman. Having experienced
everything that I have experienced for two years, I know exactly who I wanted
to be and where I want to be. And yes, it’s not here. I want to work with
happiness in my heart and with joy in every sacrifice I make. It’s just not about
the job; it’s about my passion and my calling. Money alone, I can get that from
hard work, but the fulfillment of being a real nurse? No amount of money can
exchange to that. I want to be happy and content and I did not find those here.
Some of you may say that because I’m single and that I don’t have anyone to
make a living for, that I can say those things. But you’re wrong. I am saying
all of these well aware of our status that isn’t stable. We lack financially,
and it’s also a frustration not being able to help out when they need me. But I
would rather try my luck in another place than to stay here and endure my
emotional struggles. I can bravely face my physical torments but not my inner
self. Two years of depravity from assurance is a torture for me and I cannot
bear it any longer. Plus an additional baggage from the things that I see
happening around me due to their twisted meaning of ‘pagkakaibigan’ is havoc in
my being. Maybe, just maybe, I am the one who misunderstood them. But I am a
woman with disposition and I stand firm to what I believe in. Here lies the
problem, the differences in opinion, what is right for you may not be right for
me, and we lack acceptance of each other. Again, I cannot condemn you for that,
nor can you condemn me for having such belief. I am not a saint, far from being
perfect and a good girl, but frankly I know well my worth as a woman and as a
human being, and this is my stand whether you approve or not. I cannot please
all of you, nor do I intend to, because I’m happy and content of who I am. With
all these said, I know it’s not obscure that I’ve had a rift with some of you,
that I won’t deny. And I will not make a conscious effort to explain myself to
all of you. All it needs to have is some maturity.
But despite all the things that
have happened, I want to sincerely thank God for everything that has happened.
This has been a journey that is full of learnings that I could use as I
continue to search for my chosen path. As I leave this place I will forget
everything that has given me the heartache I never wished to have, and if
someday, somewhere we meet each other again, we can start anew if you would
like to with the past forgotten. After all, the world is too small for everyone
to live in hatred. To those who will be left behind, I wish you all the best
that may God bless your entire endeavor. May you choose what is right to uplift
the dignity of Filipinas, nurses and non-nurses alike. You are worth the respect that you deserve if
you choose to let others treat you with utmost reverence, for your body is
sacred, never forget that. It is not an object to be idolized and be subjected
to materialism. Give yourself to someone who well deserve you, to a man who
will be proud of you for him to have… who would readily tell the world about
how lucky he is to have you, and not to those who will keep you hidden in the
dark. You’re not a toy or a spare. You are a woman who deserves to be known…
you are special. To love and be loved
truly is the greatest happiness you will ever experience, and I pray that all
of you will experience that. We only have one chance at this life. Choose to
live it well. Until next time. ^_^
